Crappy Birthday, Lois
by daky
Summary: It's Lois' birthday, but Peter seems to have forgotten it. Or is he? Meanwhile, Chris gets a crush on a local schoolgirl and tries to win her heart with the help from Brian and Stewie.


Crappy Birthday Lois – Family Guy fan fiction

(This is my first Family Guy fanfic and the second ever. Hope you'll like it. If you don't - don't flame please. Enjoy reading.)

(**Note:** This episode takes place while Peter was still working in Happy-Go-Lucky factory, and Cleveland was still married to Loretta.)

(Saturday morning in the Griffin house. Lois wakes up in her bed.)  
Lois: (gets up from the bed and opens the window) Ah… I have a feeling this is going to be one gorgeous day.  
(Downstairs; Meg, Chris, Stewie and Brian are preparing a birthday surprise for Lois.)  
Brian: OK, Stewie, are you ready?  
(Stewie shows up in some silly-looking costume wearing a wig.)  
Stewie: I can't believe I actually let you talk me into this.  
Brian: Come on, it's just for a few minutes.  
Stewie: I don't see why you didn't have to wear a costume.  
Brian: Because you're the baby and you're supposed to be the cutest. Now zip it and try to look lively when Lois enters the room.  
Meg: Well, it's ready. Mom is supposed to enter any second. Now hide, everyone!  
(Lois steps in. Light turns in, everybody pops out of their hideouts and the big sign "Happy Birthday Lois" is revealed.)  
Meg, Chris, Brian & Stewie: Surprise! Happy birthday! (they come to her while she's still confused and kiss her)  
Lois: Oh, my. I… I didn't expect this. What a nice surprise! Thank you all, really. And Stewie, you're looking so cute!  
Stewie: Yeah, yeah, I'm the cutest thing you've ever seen, blah, blah, blah. Can I take off this stupid costume now?!  
Brian: Come on, we want to give you our presents. And we've got you a pretty nice birthday cake.  
Lois: I… I don't know what to say. This is to nice! This is- Wait! Where's Peter?  
Brian: Uh, we- we don't know. We haven't seen him the whole morning. Right, guys?  
Chris: No, he left the house as soon as he woke up.  
Lois: Well, that's okay. He's probably searching for some nice present to surprise me.

(The "Drunken Clam" bar. Peter is having a drink with Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe.)  
Peter: Oh, man, I love Saturdays.  
Cleveland: Me too.  
Joe: (delivering a toast) Here's to Saturday! (everybody drinks)  
Peter: Hey, guys, I remembered something funny. You see, on this very day last year, I had an argue with Lois.  
Quagmire: Oh? What was the occasion?  
Peter: Eh, I accidentally forgot her birthday. Man, was she ever pissed! It's an experience that you don't want to have. Then I decided I'll never forget her birthday again.  
(Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe look each other.)  
Joe: Uh, Peter? You said you forgot Lois' birthday on this very day?  
Peter: Yeah?  
Joe: So… uh… doesn't it mean… well… doesn't it mean something to you?  
Peter: Um… No. Hey, look, guys, I'd love to stay and drink with you all day, but I have some work to do. I'll catch up with you later during this day, all right? (gets up and leaves)  
Quagmire, Joe & Cleveland: Dumbass.

(Chris is having lunch in the school cafeteria with his two classmates.)  
Chris: Gosh… there she is.  
Classmate #1: Who?  
Chris: Gloria. Man, is she beautiful. The long brown hair, the beautiful eyes, the sexiest body you've seen… every man's dream.  
Classmate #2: Yes, she is beautiful indeed.  
Classmate #1: You know, I heard that she does some sport. Probably that's because she has such a hot body.  
Chris: I'll try to ask her out.  
Classmate #2: Are you kidding, man? She only dates cool, handsome guys.  
(Chris approaches Gloria, not listening to him.)  
Chris: Um… hi, Gloria. How are you?  
Gloria: Oh, hi, Chris! I'm fine.  
Chris: Listen, uh… I was wondering if you'd like to… do something sometime?  
Gloria: You're asking me out? Look, Chris, I think you're a nice guy, but… you just don't seem to be my type.  
Chris: But I do! We can go to my place, and… play games. We can… for instance, we can inhale pepper and see who will last longer not to sneeze.  
Gloria: Chris, that seems silly!  
Chris: OK, then maybe we can… look each other's poo and try to guess what did he eat.  
Gloria: Ew! That's disgusting! (leaves)  
Chris: (look down in disappointment) Oh, man… why am I so socially awkward?

(Griffin house. Lois is watching TV.)  
TV announcer: We now return to Step By Step.  
(Frank is talking to pregnant Carol.)  
Frank: Oh my God, Carol! You're pregnant again?!  
Carol: Yeah, so what? Yet another baby in the house.  
Frank: We already have seven children! Don't you think we should do a little bit of stopping?  
Carol: No! I'll have this another baby.  
(J.T. comes in)  
J.T.: Hey, guys! The neighbors are going to make a big piñata party! Should we go?  
Frank: Oh, yes, we should go. We can even bring a… (looks at Carol) spare piñata.  
(Carol looks at him scared.)

(Peter enters the house.)  
Peter: Hey, Lois! (kisses her) How's my loving wife today?  
Lois: Uh, Peter… Is today some special day for you?  
Peter: Wait. Lemme think. Hmm… (thinks for a few seconds) Oh, I know! Today's the day when you…  
(Lois smiles.)  
Peter: …go to the mall with Bonnie and Loretta!  
(Lois frowns.)  
Peter: Come on, honey, I'll drive you there. I'm going to stadium today with guys. We're gonna watch the Patriots.  
Lois: Peter, don't you think you could… I don't know… go shopping as well?  
Peter: Me? Shopping? Ah, screw that, Lois. You know I'm pretty lousy at shopping. Just like God is at granting wishes.  
[(Cut to Peter driving the car and trying to find a spot.)  
Peter: Damn it, no parking spot anywhere! (he closes his eyes and starts preying) Dear God, help me find a parking spot and I promise I'll go to church every Sunday.  
(A few minutes later, Peter is still searching for a spot.)  
Peter: Oh, crap! I'll be late for work! (starts preying again) Dear God… please help me find a spot. I promise I'll start reading Bible if you do.  
(A few minutes later. Still no spot.)  
Peter: Ah, man, this is unbelievable! (starts preying again) Dear God, if you find me a parking spot, I promise I'll- (notices a free spot) Never mind, I found it. (silent) Some help you are.]

(A kitchen. Stewie and Brian are sitting at the table. Brian is drinking a coffee, Stewie is reading a book.)  
Brian: Well, how about that, huh?  
Stewie: (still reading) How about what?  
Brian: That oaf Peter! He forgot Lois' birthday.  
Stewie: Eh, the fat man's not that disregardful. Maybe he's really looking for something to surprise her.  
Brian: I doubt that highly. He went drinking with his pals. Now he's taking Lois to the mall, but he didn't even think about buying her something nice! I'm telling ya, he can be a real ass sometimes.  
Stewie: Yeah, well, at least the rest of us did our best.  
Brian: Yes, but Peter didn't do anything. Poor Lois. She's probably feeling as bad as I did when I discovered my girlfriend was a slut.

(Cut to Brian's girlfriend's bedroom. The girl is laying on the bed while Brian is preparing to do her.)  
Brian: (lustfully) Oh, boy… I'm gonna screw you where nobody's ever screwed you before.  
Brian's Girlfriend: Huh…? (stares confusedly at Brian for a few moments, then she covers her _ears_) Oh, no, you won't.

(Chris enters the kitchen, noticeably depressed.)  
Brian: Hi, Chris- What's the matter? You seem pretty down.  
Chris: I am, Brian.  
Brian: Somethin' on your mind, champ? C'mon, tell us what's bothering you.  
Stewie: Yeah, you know we've been always… (less cheerful) always there for you.  
Chris: All right. (sits) You see, there's a girl…  
Brian: A girl?  
Chris: Yes. I like her a lot, but… she just doesn't seem to like me. What am I supposed to do?  
Brian: She doesn't like you, you say?  
Stewie: (ironically) I wonder why!  
Brian: Shut up, Stewie… (to Chris) Well, you've got to prove her that you like her.  
Stewie: Yes, you have to be romantic. Not like the fat man.

(Cut to Peter in his car, in front of a traffic light. A beautiful woman in the other car stops next to him. Peter starts rolling the window down. A woman notices that and starts rolling her window down as well. The two look at each other. Woman smiles at Peter. They stay in that positions for a few seconds.)  
Peter: What? Have you farted too?

Chris: You know, I think I know how am I gonna make her like me. But I'll need a help from you two.  
Stewie: Oh, God…  
Brian: Well, of course we'll help you. What do you want us to do?  
Chris: Look. I'll wait for her after school. When she comes out, I'll try to talk to her. That you two jump from the bush or something and pretend that you're attacking her. Then I'll fight you two, and chase you away. And she'll consider me her savior. Brilliant plan, huh?  
Brian: But no one's really going to be harmed, is it?  
Chris: No! We'll just pretend. What do you say, guys? You'll do that for me?  
Brian: Well, since you care about that girl so much… All right, we'll help you. (turns to Stewie) Won't we, Stewie?  
Stewie: (quite annoyed) Fine!

(Peter and Lois are driving in the car. Lois, of course, is still mad.)  
Peter: Oh, we're out of gas. I'll have to get some.  
(They stop at the gas station. Peter comes out of the car to get the gas. Lois, waiting for him, accidentally looks on the seat behind her and spots a datebook. She takes it and opens it.)  
Lois: (thinking) Let's see what this reckless jerk has booked for today… Oh! I don't believe it! He reserved a table in "Golden Bite", the fanciest restaurant in town! And to think I thought that he had forgot my birthday… Oh, Peter, I knew you won't let me down!  
(Peter comes back in the car and they continue driving.)  
Peter: Is it… Is it me, Lois, or you're in a much better mood?  
Lois: Yeah, I feel great. Say, Peter… are we… I don't know… going out someplace to dinner today?  
Peter: What? Oh, well… Sure, if that's what you want. Okay, we arrived. (He stops the car.)  
Lois: (kisses Peter) See you later, honey… I love you so much.  
Peter: (staying alone in the car) Geez, what's with her? At first he was the grumpiest woman I even saw, and now… She sure changes her mind easily.

(Lois catches up with Bonnie and Loretta.)  
Lois: Hey, girls!  
Bonnie: Hi, Lois. You know, we just wanted to…  
Bonnie & Loretta: Wish you happy birthday! (they kiss her and give her a gift)  
Lois: Oh, thank you. You're really kind. But let's go shopping now.  
Loretta: Say, Lois, what did your family get you for birthday?  
Lois: Well, Brian and the kids made me a birthday surprise, you know, with a birthday cake and everything, and Peter… Oh, can you imagine? He'll take me to "Golden Bite" fanciest restaurant in town!  
Bonnie: No way?  
Lois: Yes. First I was mad at him 'cause I thought he forgot… but now…  
Loretta: Oh, how I envy you! I can only dream of going to "Golden Bite"!  
Lois: I guess I was just desperate for his attention. Just like Meg is desperate for hanging out with the boys.

(Cut to Meg talking to her friends at the school cafeteria.)  
Meg: So I was strolling down the forest the other day, and I was just crossing the railroad tracks, when I saw a pretty handsome boy laying there. I took him in the woods, you know, and we was hanging around and everything. It was really fun.  
Friend: So… did you… you know… kiss him?  
Meg: Kiss him? Oh, well… you see, I really wanted to, but I- I couldn't find his head anywhere.

(Peter drives down the street and meets Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire wearing a golf equipment.)  
Quagmire: Hey, Peter!  
Peter: Hey, guys! What's up? I thought we'll gonna watch Patriots.  
Joe: Nah, we're going to play golf. Wanna join us?  
Peter: All right, you guys, but I won't be able to stay for too long 'cause I'm taking Lois to dinner.  
Joe: (to Cleveland, whispering) He did remember after all.  
Quagmire: Okay, buddy, let's go! We're gonna have so much fun!  
Peter: Yes. This is gonna be even more fun than that farting contest in bed Lois and I had the other night.

(Cut to Peter in Lois in bed, turned back to back, about to fall asleep. Suddenly Peter rips a big fart. Lois turns towards him.)  
Lois: What was that?  
Peter: Uh… A score! It's 1-0!  
Lois: Oh… (turns back)  
(They keep laying turned back to back for a few more seconds.)  
Lois: (thinking) Well… I guess two can play this game. (she rips even a bigger fart)  
Peter: What… what was that?  
Lois: A score! It's 1-1.  
(Peter turns back trying to fart again.)  
Peter: (thinking) Must… fart… Must… make a 2-1 score… must… (a _crap_ noise is heard)  
Peter: (thinking) Holy crap, I crapped in bed!  
Lois: What was that?  
Peter: Uh… It's halftime! We have to switch the sides.

(Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are playing golf.)  
Quagmire: (scores) Fore! Ha!  
Joe: That's pretty good.  
Cleveland: It's my turn now. (proceeds to play)  
Peter: You know, guys, I'm a little bit concerned for Lois. She really changes her moods quickly lately. What could be the reason?  
Quagmire: Ah, it's natural for women. You just have to ignore it. Just like I ignore the husbands of my lovers.

(Cut to some man, Quagmire's old school friend, entering his house and finding his wife in the middle of sex with Quagmire.)  
Man: Oh, my God! Oh, my…! What on earth…? Jane, how could you? And with my school buddy Glenn!  
Quagmire: Oh, hey, Roy. Don't worry, I'll take your wife back unharmed! Giggity-giggity-goo! (continues humping)  
Man: I can't beli- Oh, Glenn, you?! One of my best school buddies? We knew each other for 30 years! We shared everything as young fellows! You even were at my wedding! You even… For God's sake, Glenn, at least stop humping while I'm talking to you! (as Quagmire is still doing his wife)

Peter: But the most important thing is, she's in a good mood again! And tonight we're going out for a dinner. She's been spending a much time in the house doing all the house chores lately, you know. I think she deserved some good time. I'll take her to… McDonald's tonight. Oh, it's my turn! (proceeds to play)  
Joe: It's Lois' birthday and he's gonna take her to McDonald's?  
Quagmire: What a cheapskate.

(School yard. Chris is standing on the path while Brian and Stewie are hidden in a bush.)  
Chris: All right, guys, you know what you're supposed to do?  
Brian: Don't you worry a thing, Chris. Leave it to us.  
Chris: There she is… Gloria is coming out of the school. You guys be ready.  
(Chris approaches Gloria.)  
Chris: Hey, Gloria. How… are you today.  
Gloria: (reluctantly) Oh, it's you Chris. I've told you not to bug me.  
(Stewie and Brian jump out of the bush.)  
Brian: You bug the girl, wimp?  
Stewie: (acting unconvincingly) We'll teach you to bug girls… uh… wimp.  
Brian: Come on, sissy, beat it! The girl will rather go with us!  
Chris: (angrily) You stay out of this, punks! Don't make me kick your tiny little asses!  
Stewie: Oh, so you want it the hard way, huh? A' right. (they start "fighting" Chris)  
Gloria: (stands between them) Let me handle this, Chris.  
Chris: Don't, Gloria! They're mean!  
(Gloria punches Brian in a karate style.)  
Brian: Ow!  
(Gloria grabs Stewie and throws him at a tree. Stewie stand up and tries to attack her again, but she kicks him in a similar karate style.)  
Brian: I'll show you now, bitch- (gets punched again) OW!!!  
(They try to attack her several more times, but Gloria, in a karate style, beats the crap out of them both. They stay to lay in the grass, moaning in pain and covered with bruises.)  
Gloria: (to Chris) And you, Chris… it's really nice that you stood up for me, but… let's just be friends, OK? Catch you later. (walks off)  
Chris: I-I'm sorry, guys! I had no idea Gloria takes karate lessons!  
Stewie: (weak voice) Chris, you're… dead. You're so (bleep)ing dead! (passes out)  
Chris: (scared) Oh, man… I'm toast. I'm as good as dead. Just like the bar guests in the Wild West.

(Cut to a saloon in the Wild West. The place is packed. Two cowboys are chatting in the corner.)  
Cowboy #1: Hey, you see that guy over there?  
Cowboy #2: Who?  
Cowboy #1: That one with a hat.  
Cowboy #2: Dude, everybody here is wearing a hat.  
Cowboy #1: I mean that one with a gun!  
Cowboy #2: I don't see anybody not wearing a gun here.  
Cowboy #1: (angrily) Aargh! (pulls out a gun and kills everybody in the saloon except one guy)  
Cowboy #1: Now do you see? This one? The one who stayed alive?  
Cowboy #2: Yes… now I see… What about him?  
Cowboy #1: Man, is he ever pissing me off!

(Evening. Griffin house.)  
Peter: Lois, are you ready?  
(Lois shows in a gorgeous dress and wearing make-up.)  
Peter: Wow, you sure dressed nice! Is there some special occasion?  
Lois: (thinks) He's still playing dumb. He wants to surprise me.

(At McDonald's.)  
Peter: Yes, I'll take two Big Macs, please… and two big milk shakes…  
(Peter and Lois are eating outside.)  
Lois: Listen, Peter… I know everything. Quit joking around.  
Peter: I… I don't understand you, Lois.  
Lois: Well, you know… I peeked in your datebook and I saw that you have reserved a table in "Golden Bite". Is that a fanciest place in town, or what?  
Peter: In… my… datebook?  
Lois: (nods) Mm-hmm.  
Peter: You see, Lois… Funny story… you're laugh… You see, Mr. Weed forgot that datebook in my car when I took him home last night… his car was broken and…  
Lois: (very angrily) W-What?!?

(Lois is chasing Peter down the streets, throwing Big Mac on him.)  
Peter: Ow! It almost hit me, Lois!  
Lois: It was supposed to!  
Peter: Listen, honey! Before you do anything you might regret…  
Lois: I will!  
Peter: All right, I admit it! I forgot, but I won't do it next year! I promise! I… (Lois hits him with her shoe) Ow!  
(They run off into the night. Some people look after them confusedly.)

END


End file.
